People Pleasing: it's not good for YOU.
People Pleasing is something we often mistaken with simple kindness. However, it is far beyond that. According to therapist Erika Myers, people pleasing is "editing or altering words and behaviours for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions". This behavioural intention can often mess with the overall wellbeing of self.
In this article, you will find a brief understanding of People Pleasing. Here I will dive deeper into types of thoughts and emotions that arise in the midst of putting others' needs before our own.
"I'll be happy when everyone likes me."
It all starts with the belief of not being good enough, not feeling accepted or appreciated by others. This is what society teaches us by normalizing the image of successful people which is always surrounded by fans, large group of friends or admired by strangers. Until it never occurs to us that all of the validation and appreciation has to come from within first, which is why now we focus on external things that help us be more likeable to others.
"My biggest fear is being alone."
The fear of being alone is another reason why we seek to be acknowledged by others, as if aiming to fill in the gaping void within ourselves. The emptiness, boredom, and dissatisfaction no matter where we are and feeling unable to do anything about it. The Unknown – what if I get scared? What if I get criticised? What if I get lost, or hurt? What if, what if, what if...
The Price You Pay
People pleasing is a temporary satisfaction. It is easy. It makes you feel good about yourself, without having to dig deep and reflect on why you are actually craving the validation in the first place. However, there is a price that you pay for this quite handy quick-fix. In order to please others' needs, you neglect your own.
When we neglect ourselves, we risk having (sooner or later) to backlash at those who trigger us. This does not necessarily mean it will be directed at someone we dislike; it can be a partner you love, or a sibling whom you adore, who simply said the wrong thing at the wrong time. And as the result in this moment, we simply snap. People pleasing is like a ticking bomb that is waiting for you to explode, and when it happens, you have no control over with whom or where it happens. It often occurs in the most uncomfortable situations that provoke a strong emotion in you.
Another price we pay for pleasing people --- and more specifically when pleasing people that we don't know --- is that we neglect our own intimate relationships and those close to us. Paradoxically, this may be the very reason why we started people pleasing in the first place. Simply because we repeatedly felt unheard and misunderstood by our own family and partners, we naturally develop an automatic survival mechanism to please others in order to feel connected and not alone. Could that be true?
The Ultimate Risk.
The repeated pattern of prolonged people pleasing results in developing aggresive or ignorant behaviour. This is a result of holding your needs as a last priority to the extent where you begin to hold others accountable for everything that has happened and occurring to you in the present time. This turns into your everyday defence mechanism even in the most insignificant situations that sets off alarms in your consciousness. Personal discomfort and unmet personal needs reflect as range in a form of cursive language and physical impulsivity. Nevertheless as a signal for unmet needs get stronger and more neglected than ever before, the ultimate risk is losing sense of reality and your surroundings, including people that may try to help.
Backlash behaviour is an act of desperation, irritation, frustration --- the need to break free ---wanting to speak up because you did NOT allow yourself to do so when you had a chance. This is WHY it is important to speak up for what matters to you and have your own opinion.
In studies of human behaviour, it has been highlighted how children who grow up in a very ridgit, parent--dominating and strictly controlling environment tent to develop people pleasing behaviours. These behaviours are later reflected in their late teen to early adulthood when they go off to college, university, or start to live on their own. Common behaviours noted include:
Acting Rebellious. This manifests as heavy drinking, staying up late or not sleeping at all, reckless speed driving, testing harmful substances or tools, continuous sexual activities and engaging in extreme sports without safety protection.
Indulging in Isolation. This appears as neglecting personal hygiene, avoiding social interactions, hypersensitivity to loud noises, bright lights or change in temperature, and dissociation from reality.
All of which continiue to disrupt unmet personal needs and the sense of awarness required for further personal development.
In conclusion, People pleasing is like a ticking emotional bomb that sooner or later explodes! And the longer you wait the bigger the blast --- destroying everything and hurting everyone else around you. Therefore, always remember: find courage to speak up, use your voice to share and stand up what matters to you! Your opinion matters!
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your ideas don't matter? I've got you!
Book your FREE consultation by sending an email to moreselfloveclub@gmail.com, and I look forward to guiding you through steps to overcome what holds you back from living a life that you truly deserve.
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Your Coach and Founder of More Self Love Club,
Giedre Skeiryte
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